So Long Solar Nails

When I was down in Tallahassee visiting my sister, my mom treated me to some solar nails. What are they you ask? Well they are fake-a-roo nails- that is - acrylic nails, gel clomped on top of your real nails. They last about a month until the nails grows out so much they start to look insane and they have to be refilled. You look like you've had a french manicure.  My sister had solar nails and was going on about how excellent they were. She and my mom agreed that my nails were egregious and that I needed nail help big time.

Ok, they may need a little help

So off we went to see Helen who according to my sister is a genius.  Helen is from Vietnam and though her English is spotty (while I was there she mostly spoke choppy, incomprehensible words in her confident no-nonsense manner to other staff who sidled up to the station to chit chat with her), she is slick and styling, has cool solar nails herself, and runs a large, well lit, swanky salon in a strip mall.  It is a family operation and her husband works there too, giving pedicures and manicures and the works. Other guys too.  Guys can do that stuff.  Who knew?  I was pretty impressed. Mom gave Helen a $15 tip and I gave Helen a hug.

Here is how my hands looked with the solar nails:

Note the pearls. They don't come with the nails but are there to show if you get solar nails you will get pearls too.

I have to admit my nails looked pretty great. C'mon look at them. Ok those are not "my' nails but they looked just like that.  Plus they were so "sleeky" smooth. I got into the habit of admiring them multiple times an hour and also running them along my lips for the tactile sensation. It was comforting.  So all was good until somehow, (don't even ask), I sliced through one nail and it was part on, part off.  This was bad, Rose. (A la Titanic, when Jack is handcuffed in the basement and the water is threatening to drown him). But it had been almost about a month since installation and they needed refilling anyways. So I called up a family run nail place that had been recommended to me and asked if I could get an emergency appointment. The exchange went something like this:

Not Helen: Don't need appointment-you come-we fit you in.

Me:  Really?  Awesome. Is there a time I should come that's better? 

Not Helen: No. Come anytime -we fit you in.
When I got there- (a dingy, small place that had construction paper on the windows blocking the inside from the out--also in a strip mall) Not Helen asked:  "Have you been here before? "Me: (And looking back on it, I'm now pretty sure this was the wrong answer): "No."
NH: "We no can help you. We short staff and people waiting." There were two women getting manicures and one or maybe two women waiting.  I don't know for sure. She was already walking away from me.

Me:  WHAAAATTTT??? (That part was inside my head.) "Well can you tell me how long I would have to wait?"

NH: We can't help you today.
Me:  But I called and you said you would fit me in. 

NH: We fit you in if we have no other customers.

Do you mind! That is not what "fit you in" means!
I was not happy at all, not one little bit. This SN gig was wearing on my nerves.  I managed to yank the balance of the acrylic off myself so it didn't look so weird. Nine solar nails and counting.

A couple of days later I was out in another part of town I had to drive to--buying shoes with Al, (it's a thing we do, yes) and I stumbled upon another nail place (and this was in a strip mall too- I'm starting to see the pattern). I wandered in and asked the little Asian man sitting at the cash if they could fix my solars. He offered me a seat (right at the cash- it had a whitish towel on the counter sill and some supplies there) and commenced a-working.  Weird and maybe not so hygienic but I was game.  Again I could barely understand what he said other than his wife worked there too and his daughter had moved back home and he was mad about it. There was a slightly different procedure and the white parts were decidedly thicker (true, I had assented by nodding when he asked me something) but they were back to scratch. Later that day I dropped a winter hat box on the same nail that had been totally repaired and it came right off. I decided to live with it.

I kept up with the nails even though they had started growing out, chipping and lifting up. I may be a bit hard on my nails- even my fake ones.  A couple of days ago, I'd had enough. I did some world wide web research, bought a bucket of salon strength acetone and started the hideous process of removing these solars. It took about 2 hours and they are still not completely off but my hands were getting beat up-- red, itchy and dry so I had to stop.  I have my nails back. They are shorty, stubby, weak as kittens, have bleeding hang nails, swollen cuticles and cracked tops but they are real and they don't require salon maintenance.  Of course I will miss the Asian cultural part - that was interesting.

PS. I ran this post by Mr. Lovely who suggested it might offend some ethnic sensibilities- which I hope is not the case as I strive not to offend- but to be descriptive (and funny).  I welcome your comments on that or anything really.